Well, Hillary Clinton won the Indiana primary last night! Barely!! Still, she doesn’t seem discouraged at all! We’re starting off tonight’s show with “The Top 7 Reasons Hillary Refuses to Drop Out of the Race”!

That’s right. Hillary hasn’t won this thing, so far, but she shows no signs of going away quietly! I hate to say it, but I see a back room deal in the future for the Democratic candidates! During our first big hour, we’ll learn that if Obama wants Hillary to bow out, he’s gonna have to offer her the V.P. spot!

Sheriff Joe Arpaio has now taken his crime suppression round-ups to predominantly white Fountain Hills! Does that absolve him of the racial profiling he’s always accused of? Let’s find out at 8 o’clock!

Tonight’s final hour brings us to a high school trip to Spain! A bunch of young people are going to be exposed to a new culture, exotic surroundings—and booze! The age restrictions there aren’t as strict as here in the U.S., so the organizers say it’s okay if these kids have a drink! Is it a big deal? Eh…I don’t think so.

 

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Oh, it’s the fifth of May and I’m celebrating with my hot, juicy, sexy illegal alien girlfriend right after the show! It’s too bad everyone can’t have the great time Gaydos is looking forward to, so we’ll bring you “The Top 7 Signs You’ve Had a Bad Cinco de Mayo”!

During our first hour, honk if these gas prices are killing you! Both McCain and Clinton are calling for a long holiday from gas taxes this summer, but before you start salivating over that, consider this. Barack Obama tells us that a measure like that will only save you about thirty dollars over the whole summer! We’ll discuss this in another session of Gaydosnomics 101 as we brace for the price at the pump to get even higher!

One human rights group is celebrating Cinco de Mayo by beating up on a piñata that looks like Sheriff Joe Arpaio! They say it’s a demonstration against hate, but—well—correct me if I’m wrong, but this sounds like a pretty hateful display! Sandra Haros will report from the scene at 8 o’clock and we’ll consider what might happen if—say—someone demonstrated against illegal immigration using a piñata that looked like an illegal alien!

Our “Rated R Issue of the Night” rears its ugly head at 9 o’clock! The scandal at hand centers around an openly gay male high school student who has been nominated for Prom Queen! School officials are not down with this!

Sam Donaldson is the crown jewel of the Gaydos After Dark political team and he joins me at 9:30! We’re set for another big day of primary coverage tomorrow and we’ll ask Sam, is the Obama/Clinton battle coming down to its final skirmish?

 

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These worshipers in India are throwing babies from a height of fifty feet! It’s true! Click the image to see for yourself!

Tonight on Gaydos After Dark, Barbara Walters, a shameless hussy? She admits that she once had an affair with a married U.S. senator! We begin tonight’s show with “The Top 7 Other Surprises in Barbara Walters’ New Book”!

During our first hour, I’ve checked my calendar and can now confirm, it’s May first! So where, oh where, is this year’s “Million Immigrant March”?! As much as I love not having traffic blocked all over Phoenix, this has me wondering what dissuaded all but four protesters from showing their faces today. Maybe this is a result of Sheriff Joe’s continuing round-ups of illegals—or maybe it’s just that demonstrators have figured out that these marches are no way to get results! At 7:45, we’ll hear from Elias Bermudez of Immigrants Without Borders! Maybe he can shed some light on the subject!

I have to tell you the story of a softball player who hit one out of the park and then tore a major ligament as she was rounding the bases, so she couldn’t continue her run for home! Game over, ladies and gentlemen? I guess not, because members of the opposing team got permission from their coach to carry her around the bases! What an insult to the drive and effort of competition! This is our 8 o’clock topic and I say, winning is everything! Take advantage of the situation and win, people!

Phoenix Mayor Phil Gordon just can’t continue making this city a sanctuary for illegals! At 9, we’ll discuss a push to have his election recalled!

Then, it’s more of Hillary V. O’Reilly! Find out exactly what Hillary’s going to do about sanctuary cities!

It wouldn’t be Red V. Blue Thursday without Presidential Match Game! That’s what we’re doing at 9:30 as we welcome back our panel of stars: B. Nicks, Hanna Scott and Jarrett Carlen!

We wrap things up with another “John McCain Senior Moment”! Cindy McCain talked to Jay Leno last night. We’ll hear her recall that fateful day (about ninety years ago!) when she met her man! Plus, she’ll reveal that she does most of the driving! Is it time for Grampa John to give up the keys?

 

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Oh boy! It won’t be long before you’re out there throwing around your cash from the economic stimulus package! Tonight, we bring you “The Top 7 Stupid Ways to Spend Your Rebate Check”!

During tonight’s first hour, I wouldn’t be surprised if Governor Janet Napolitano started driving an actual welcome wagon for illegal immigrants! Napolitano has vetoed a measure that would have required local law enforcement to help federal authorities clamp down on illegals! So I guess it’s now Mayor Gordon and our governor against Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the only person who’s trying to make this situation better!

At 8, Hannah Montana is appearing in Vanity Fair looking—not her usual squeaky clean and fresh-faced but—sultry and sensual! People are freaking out after seeing her in such a seemingly adult photo! But I say it’s just a career decision! She’s not going to get much more mileage out of child stardom—and no one wants to go the way of Dana Plato and Todd Bridges!—so it’s just time to sex up her image!

At 8:50, we’ll talk about the ho hum Suns. I think they were sleepwalking through Friday’s game. Okay, at least they’re somehow still in the series, but they’ve gotta step it up!

We’ll spend a lot of our 9 o’clock hour discussing the idiot Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who must not want Barack Obama to be president! After all, he keeps opening that mouth of his, even though Obama’s campaign dies a little more every time Wright speaks!

We’ll end tonight’s show with our good friend Sam Donaldson, the crown jewel of the Gaydos After Dark political team! He’s got some thoughts on Wright and his effect on Obama’s race for the White House too!

 

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Phoenix, I’m not convinced, but officials are saying someone has admitted to causing Monday night’s lights in the sky! We’ll consider that possibility with “The Top 7 Signs the U.F.O.’s in Phoenix Were Fake”!

Clinton beat Obama in last night’s Pennsylvania primary and that’s a big deal! It’s making me consider how we think of Obama now, as opposed to how we used to think of him! Do you think he’s the typical politician, and not a candidate for change? Was he always that way, or did the campaign trail change him? We’ll give some thought to these questions during our first half hour! Then, after 7:30 we’ll ponder what makes Hillary such a resilient candidate!

Wait till you hear this! Just before 8, I’ll tell you how Micky and Minnie are making their way to Baghdad!!!

Starting off our second big hour, people are saying that Monday’s Phoenix lights were a hoax! I’m not buyin’ it! I think the so-called hoaxer is part of a government cover-up! Now, if it were just a prank (but it can’t be!), should the guy be charged with a crime?

We’ve got “Gaydos on the News ” at 8:30! It’s ten stories in ten minutes, with tonight’s edition revealing the value of Obama’s leftovers and the really unwanted guest in one woman’s kitchen!

At 9 o’clock, we’ll talk to Eleanor Clift from The McLaughlin Group! We’ve got a full plate of info on the Pennsylvania primary, Hillary’s tough words on Iran, and how McCain seems to be sitting pretty in the face of the ongoing face-off between the Democratic candidates!

Gaydos goes national at 9:20 as I give you a taste of my interview with Glen Beck! I had a chance to go on his show today and give him the 4-1-1 on last night’s U.F.O. sightings!

The “Rated R Issue of the Night” is gonna shock you at 9:30! A doctor wants to delay puberty in kids so they can take time to decide whether they want a male or female body! I know! You’re shaking your head and saying, “What? What???!” I was too! This can’t be a good thing!

 

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