“How long is too long to live?”
If there’s one person I love to talk about, it’s my Grandma. She means the world to me. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I flew back to New York to see her on her 97th birthday. It amazes me that I’ve had her in my life well into my 30’s. I spoke with her on Sunday and she was complaining of a terrible headache. I woke up on Monday when my phone rang very early in the morning. I knew the call was bad news; turned out, it was my mother calling to tell me that my grandmother had had a stroke.
My mother was in tears, and completely beside herself. She had stayed up all night to be with her at the hospital. My mom has always been there for my grandmother. She helps her to bathroom, makes and feeds her every meal, has to get her into the car to drive her to doctor’s appointments and wakes up in the middle of the night anytime Grandma needs something. I don’t think my mother has slept through the entire night in years. The only thing she is concerned with is caring for my grandmother 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Compared to other elderly people, my Grandma is a saint….but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard on my Mom.
Because of my grandmother’s delicate health, my parents have had to put their life on hold - trust me, they wouldn’t have it any other way. My father is a lawyer and hasn’t had a vacation in forever. He is a rock. My folks were supposed to go to Florida later this week but obviously cannot go now. This is the third vacation in three years they have had to cancel.
There are many of you who have or are currently taking care of an elderly family member. It’s not easy. I know. I have watched my parents do it for many years. You willingly stop living your life so you can take care of that special person who really needs you towards the end of their life. Our parents raise us. We return the favor by taking care of them in their old age.
I’m closer with my grandmother than any other member of my family. I call her at least three times a week. I fly back east to see her often. The day she leaves us is the day that part of me dies as well. But the more I see my grandmother hold on, the more I see my mother become physically and emotionally exhausted. The longer my Grandma lives, the shorter my mother’s lifespan becomes…
So, how long is too long to live?
Gaydos
Gaydos- you are so right on with this topic. When is it too much suffering and pain. When is it quality of life instead of quantity.
The physical and emotional exhaustion that can be impacting your mother and father is unexplainable. It is such a demanding and rewarding position to be in- my prayers are with all of you! If you have not already thanked your parents for their sacrifice please do! the acknowledgement of the choices they have made helps lessen some of the stress. ( it did for me) Love is the basis for their actions.
When the naturalnees of dying is compromised by our steadfast scientific medical knowledge of keeping a person alive who should otherwise be dead, is when it is to long to continue living. Your mother needs to hire a nurse or someone who is trained to help take care of her so that she herself does not inflict injury upon herself by trying to be there for her. Love is obviously the driving factor for her and also the rest of your family but there is a time when you have to give yourself a break. It sounds like your mother and father are well past that.
Kay couldn’t have said it better!
Larry,
We all love how you love and honor your Grandma as well as your parents. It is most important to your mother to obtain respite care. If only for a few hours a week. You are 100% correct to be concerned about your Mother. As a good son and loving grandson try to instill in your parents (and your doctor brother) that Mom NEEDS A BREAK!
When you or your brother visit have Mom leave the house, even for a short time, so that she gets the respite she needs.
I think the question is better suited for your parents to answer. You see my parents went through a very similar situation with my grandmother for the past 15 years. They tried and did everything for my grandmother. At first she was on her own. Then she had a private nurse and then we moved her to assisted living. And finally she was placed in a nursing home. It was difficult for my mother to get the phone calls from the assisted living and nursing home facilities in the middle of the night or during the day. Even though you have some one watching your loved one, you STILL have a tremendous amount of responsibility. My parents sacrificed a lot but if you ask them, they will tell you it was well worth it.
I honestly thought for years that my grandmother would out live my parents due the amount of time and stress that was involved in her care, but that wasn’t the case. My grandmother passed away a few months ago and there isn’t a day my mother isn’t looking for something to do with herself to fill that void. As in most cases, time will heal my mother’s wounds, but I will never forget the look of pure helplessness on her face when we couldn’t bring my grandmother back this time and she said “I wonder if she knows how much I love her and how much I will miss her in my life”.
Ultimately my mother was thankful for the past 15 years she had to get to know her mother in a different way and develop a relationship as an adult with her mother. My parents taught me a lot through this whole ordeal and I think in some small way it kept my mother going and made my parents relationship stronger. They sure went through so much together.
Gaydos, My grandmother just died at 94. She was watering plants outside November when she slipped and fell. She broke her arm and was put in ICU. She had several stokes, and me and my family was there for the last breaths. Go there… Take time off of the show and go and see her. What is more important to you? A talk-show that Mac can easily run for a few days, or witnessing your Grandmother’s entry to heaven?
My parents and my uncle are in the same situation. My parents live here in Phoenix and are 73 and 76 yrs old. My uncle (mom’s brother) is 62. My grandparents are 95 and 96 and live with my uncle and his wife, the latter of both who still work full time. My uncle insists that my grandparents live with him and his family, but it’s tough on everyone.
My grandparents are having a hard time, too. They were 16 when the Great Depression hit and worked hard their entire lives, served in WW2, and lived in the same house for over 70 years. Because they did not want nursing care to come to their home (they felt it intrusive), my uncle (who lives near where they do) had them move in with his family. They have a big enough house, but it’s still difficult on both sides - it’s an adjustment for everyone involved. Then my parents get the guilt trip because they live over 2000 miles away (my mom moved to AZ when she was 18 so she has never lived near her family). So once a year my grandparents fly down here (in their 90s!) and stay with my parents for a couple months. And my parents have many issues with my grandparents and then I hear about all the problems from them. Then I also get guilt tripped as to why I’m not helping more while they are here.
I love my grandparents, and if you think being 34+1 and having a grandmother is great, I consider myself even luckier being 44 and having 2 grandparents in my life who will be married 75 years this September. If I can offer any advice, it’s this: learn from what your grandmother and your parents are going through and have things set up for your parents before they get in their 90s. You need to talk with them and get it down what their wishes are NOW. Do they want in home care? Do they want to go to a retirement community? There are places that are just assisted living and are not nursing homes. What if one one them needs more help than the other? Do they split up to different places? Do you have home care come in? Discuss these things with them and with your 2 siblings. I’m in the same boat - I have 2 younger siblings who both live in LA now and I’m here where my parents are. Will I be undertaking more of their issues b/c I’m local? Will my siblings step in when I can’t? Make sure you and your siblings AND your parents are all on the same page now before the situation forces itself on all of you.
Your truly amazing gaydos, for visitng your grandmother, and communicating with her….if something happens to her, you will loose someone very special, but you can also celebrate her wonderful life….but wait, she could live to be 100!